Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
