I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
