Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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