we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
