My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
