separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
