I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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