I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
false alarm, still single
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
