Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
