my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wannas sexs uuuuu
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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