Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize