You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
