Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
