took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
