Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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