So drunk its hurt
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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