So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize