She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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