That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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