I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
