Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
