yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
