I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
