just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
