Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
