I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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