I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
