I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
