Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I stole a fireplace last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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