You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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