Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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