my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A+ Viking dick
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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