if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
