We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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