Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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