Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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