i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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