I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
