you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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