If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
