i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
