remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
