I just threw up on my dentist
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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