i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
