Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize