There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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