I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
