first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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