A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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