It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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