i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
