There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
