Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
