I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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